...BOTHER...

Bothersome, irksome.
Like losing things, regularly.  I can't find my wedding ring, after taking it off to knit more comfortably last Wednesday and putting it in my pocket.  Taia lost her nice new fuzzy hoodie.  Kira lost the hat I just knit for her two weeks ago, and one of her soccer shinguards is missing too.  Remy... the meeting of his boundless energy, intense curiosity and his limited attention span makes for daily Thing Disappearances.  I still hope to come across my long-lost PedEgg, someday.
The fish tank is a bother, after I was so excited to finally have one.  I've realized that I like tiny fish with bright colors, in large groups... after adopting three enormous plecos, one 7" shark-catfish and a huge, obnoxious tinfoil barb.  And of course the whole tank needs a 5-hour scrubbing.
Most bothersome is some stranger named Natalia, a girl at Taia's school who called my awesome, beautiful, smart, athletic, talented daughter "weird" behind her back.  Taia came to me at bedtime and asked to be homeschooled for all of middle school, so we talked about it and I guessed something was up... then she told me about overhearing Natalia's mean words, and tears welled up in her eyes.  While I was trying to use reassurance, logic and humor to comfort and reassure her, the fierce mama instinct in me was ready to seek and destroy.  Taia had some experiences being bullied in Laramie, but she was so much younger and stronger in the face of it.  She wasn't about to take any crap in kindergarten, but now that she's reached these almost-teen years, words hurt more and cut really, really deep.

Happy Do-Over

Here's what I wrote in December 2008:
Okay so here's my list of aspirations for 2009:
talk to my Grandparents more often
organize
wash the dog
organize
learn lots of things from Martha Stewart
knit ... no more blankets!
take walks
garden in a productive way
organize
get piano and violin lessons underway
send cards and presents out EARLY yeahright

I didn't organize anything, the clutter got worse.  It all migrated to my bedroom.
I checked out Martha Stewart's book Cooking School from the library but it was just... boring.
Kevin did all of the gardening.
Our dog Chena died in May. :(
I didn't do any walking, or exercising for that matter.
I didn't line up any kids for any music lessons.
I did knit, but only when I wasn't depressed or wasting time online or reading a book.
I sent out presents three days before Christmas... so, yeah.
I did get to visit my grandparents, though.  We spent time in Golovin with my Gramma Nuz, and in Nome with my Papa Billy.  I visited Nanny in Anchorage, sometimes with my dad, sometimes with the kids, but not enough - I did find newspaper articles from 1928 when she journeyed to Newark to be part of a reindeer/Eskimo/Santa exhibit in a department store.  That's her favorite memory, we hear about it often.

I don't know if I should just try for a do-over of last year's resolutions or forget the whole resolution thing entirely.  I remember thinking more than once last year, how do people find the motivation or energy or desire to even get up in the morning?

There are some firsts I pulled off in 2009... I roasted a turkey and cooked our whole Thanksgiving dinner!  I learned how to play chess.  I drove to Minneapolis from Bemidji.  It sounds like a dull, dull life - but it goes by so quickly because of the kids' activities, their streaming conversations, their silliness, their neediness.

This past year was the year I actually felt the effects of aging more than I felt the effects of illness.  I have a huge smile wrinkle or two that I choose to ignore, many gray hairs I'm not likely to dye, an understanding of "dress your age", and I think I'm getting thicker the way dogs get as they age.  Yeah, that.  This year also brought the realization that visiting with friends and family is such a rare thing, it's priceless.

So, maybe I'll try a resolution Do-Over, or maybe I'll just keep on managing the dull daily chaos, with those priceless moments here and there.