It's mell-ooow time here. The dog is curled up on her pillow, the tv is off, kids are in bed and Kevin's at hockey. The clothes are folded and the dishwasher is swishing away bits of pizza cheese and molecules of milk. The table still holds clutter from kindergarten projects and random kid moments of juice-drinking and hair-braiding...
July 2nd was our 17th anniversary. Earlier tonight Taia asked, "Why do we have so many canning jars?", and I told her it was because her dad likes to can lots of things. Then I remembered that it was probably supposed to be my job, the canning of things, and it's now become one of the things Kevin used to hope I'd do, like sew beaver hats and make cookies all the time. And make menu plans while keeping a well-stocked pantry. There's probably more on the Used-to-Hope list than I'll ever know! I used to wish for date nights and long conversations, but after seventeen years I've learned to sacrifice some hopes and accept what is real.
So July 2nd was my last blog entry, then on July 3rd, my grandma, my Nanny died. Her life, her presence, became her legacy of children, grandchildren, the memory of her laughter and her suffering. Her body as I saw it that day was just her body, it wasn't Nanny anymore; but I held her hand and smoothed her hair, the same way she had done to me during my whole life, up to the few days before she died. Whatever her declining health had altered about her didn't matter, she will always be the warmest, most smiling and nurturing embodiment of love in my life.
I think a person's life, when they're gone, isn't just about their words or beliefs or actions but it's very much about the places they lived. Just as I am so much Nome and Fairbanks, Tacoma and Laramie, Nanny was Sledge Island, Sinrock, Belmont Point, and next door to the Methodist Church. I think of her on a nice fall day, walking on the tundra with her hands behind her back holding a berry bucket, walking so far we can't see her anymore.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Saturday, July 02, 2011
big picture
So... there are things that happen that are uncomfortable to write about, things that are mostly someone else's business and therefore not mine to blog about. That's why I haven't been writing much - big things have affected us that are personal and sensitive - although when I started this blog, I was comfortable revealing my own personal health issues, since that was the whole purpose of the blog. My health isn't as central to our daily lives anymore since I've improved sooooo much, but I'll keep alive this special little outlet for rants and blurts and endless lists of our activities. I just need to get past the big negatives...
A relative was investigated, charged, jailed and sentenced recently, although the case began just after we bought our house in early 2008. It's huge and complicated and that's about all I'll say about it - except that no one in our family was abused. Nome rumor-mongers can say what they want to, but truth is truth.
Kevin's brother Al and his wife Kelly lost their son Abe. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child and I still can't bring myself around to face the fact that Abe suffered so much and is gone. I'm some mixture of unwilling and unable to deal with it, the same as I've been since my cousin's baby died 13 years ago.
My grandma is dying of Alzheimer's disease and stroke damage. That's been foremost in my mind lately, as she is expected to die probably within a week. So my sisters and brother and cousin and Dad and I have been with her as much as we can, reminding her of our love, going over old stories, making her smile, talking about her parents, siblings, kids, grandkids, great-grandkids...
So there's been a lot of big-picture thinking here. Everything fades to the background but the understanding that we need to be good to each other, treasure our time and the people we love - and not treasure our things and our differences.
A relative was investigated, charged, jailed and sentenced recently, although the case began just after we bought our house in early 2008. It's huge and complicated and that's about all I'll say about it - except that no one in our family was abused. Nome rumor-mongers can say what they want to, but truth is truth.
Kevin's brother Al and his wife Kelly lost their son Abe. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child and I still can't bring myself around to face the fact that Abe suffered so much and is gone. I'm some mixture of unwilling and unable to deal with it, the same as I've been since my cousin's baby died 13 years ago.
My grandma is dying of Alzheimer's disease and stroke damage. That's been foremost in my mind lately, as she is expected to die probably within a week. So my sisters and brother and cousin and Dad and I have been with her as much as we can, reminding her of our love, going over old stories, making her smile, talking about her parents, siblings, kids, grandkids, great-grandkids...
So there's been a lot of big-picture thinking here. Everything fades to the background but the understanding that we need to be good to each other, treasure our time and the people we love - and not treasure our things and our differences.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
We love you Al, Kelly, Isaac, Abe and Ben
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Abraham “Abe” Fagerstrom, 10, of Bemidji, died Friday, May 13, 2011, at the University of MN Children’s Hospital in Minneapolis after a 7 ½ year battle with leukemia.
A funeral will be held at 1 p.m. Saturday, May 21, at the Evangelical Covenant Church in Bemidji, with the Rev. Dean Nelson officiating. Visitation will be from 5-7 p.m., Friday, May 20, at the Cease Family Funeral Home in Bemidji and one hour prior to the service at the church. The family requests that visitors wear MN Twins attire or something purple in honor of Abe. Burial will be in the Greenwood Cemetery in Bemidji.
He was born on December 20, 2000, the son of Al and Kelly (Williams) Fagerstrom, in Bemidji. He attended J. W. Smith Elementary in Bemidji. He loved sports, Legos, crafts, spending time with family, and following Twins baseball. His favorite color was purple.
He is survived by his parents; brothers, Isaac and Ben Fagerstrom; grandparents, Rose and Jerry Fagerstrom of Bemidji, Richard Williams of International Falls, Mary Belanger of Bemidji; Great-Grandparents Lillian and Edgar Williams of Littlefork; numerous special cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends.
Messages of condolence may be left at ceasefuneralhome.com.
Monday, April 25, 2011
po-ta-to
Spring came along and made the snow disappear!
But we're all still acting like stir-crazy shut-ins. The kids are like little time-bombs. They bicker over computer time and say there's NUHHH-THING to do outside. It's all on me - I really don't ever want to do anything but watch TV or knit or spend hours on ancestry.com and ravelry.com. I don't even want to walk the dog anymore! BLEH!! I've basically hit emotional, intellectual and physical flatlines.
Otherwise, we're still churning through ballet nights, soccer practices, preschool events, Girl Scouts, a wedding, a family emergency, and medical appointments. The big ballet recital at the Performing Arts Center in Anchorage will be on June 2nd and 3rd, so practices are ramping up. Soccer's back on again after some time off and the summer looks to be busy with practices and games - but only for Kira, since I didn't sign Remy or Taia up this year. Preschool is all about center time at school, home visits every week, big potlucks once a month and extra events thrown in here and there. Girl Scout stuff is slowing down now that the cookie season is over, but we've got to start thinking about summer camp... My cousin Rick got married last weekend to Claire, his beautiful bride from England. We so rarely see that part of the family so the day was a very special one.
The emergency I mentioned was my grandma Lena, "Nanny", having a stroke again. She's 86 and lives in an assisted living home. Her first stroke was in November and she'd recovered pretty well since then, but this stroke was bigger. She's still in the early stages of recovery but is swallowing food better than the doctors expected, still able to speak and move, but in need of much more therapy and assistance. She's still able to have short conversations - my favorite part of all of this is that she still laughs and smiles and understands us once in awhile in spite of Alzheimer's.
I saw my pulmonologist and rheumatologist last week. They're concerned about increasing signs of inflammation and want to keep a closer eye on me, so I'll be back again in a month. This couch-potato lifestyle is affecting not just the kids' attitudes but my lab results as well. So, as Kevin would say, it's time to 'snap out of it!'.
But we're all still acting like stir-crazy shut-ins. The kids are like little time-bombs. They bicker over computer time and say there's NUHHH-THING to do outside. It's all on me - I really don't ever want to do anything but watch TV or knit or spend hours on ancestry.com and ravelry.com. I don't even want to walk the dog anymore! BLEH!! I've basically hit emotional, intellectual and physical flatlines.
Otherwise, we're still churning through ballet nights, soccer practices, preschool events, Girl Scouts, a wedding, a family emergency, and medical appointments. The big ballet recital at the Performing Arts Center in Anchorage will be on June 2nd and 3rd, so practices are ramping up. Soccer's back on again after some time off and the summer looks to be busy with practices and games - but only for Kira, since I didn't sign Remy or Taia up this year. Preschool is all about center time at school, home visits every week, big potlucks once a month and extra events thrown in here and there. Girl Scout stuff is slowing down now that the cookie season is over, but we've got to start thinking about summer camp... My cousin Rick got married last weekend to Claire, his beautiful bride from England. We so rarely see that part of the family so the day was a very special one.
The emergency I mentioned was my grandma Lena, "Nanny", having a stroke again. She's 86 and lives in an assisted living home. Her first stroke was in November and she'd recovered pretty well since then, but this stroke was bigger. She's still in the early stages of recovery but is swallowing food better than the doctors expected, still able to speak and move, but in need of much more therapy and assistance. She's still able to have short conversations - my favorite part of all of this is that she still laughs and smiles and understands us once in awhile in spite of Alzheimer's.
I saw my pulmonologist and rheumatologist last week. They're concerned about increasing signs of inflammation and want to keep a closer eye on me, so I'll be back again in a month. This couch-potato lifestyle is affecting not just the kids' attitudes but my lab results as well. So, as Kevin would say, it's time to 'snap out of it!'.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Quarterly Check-in!
Let's see... November 8th, December 8th, January 8th, February 8th, March 8th... I don't remember everything so I can't very well write about it. Maybe next winter I'll get a S.A.D. light, drink coffee all day long and hang a to-do list around my neck. THEN I'll get things done and be able to write about it all!
Happy Belated Birthday wishes to my family and friends. Happy Thanksgiving through Saint Patrick's Day, too. This year, all the people I graduated from high school with are turning 40! Balding, wrinkling, expanding, sagging and graying used to seem so impossible... Now they're just immaterial - nothing really matters but family, kids, and friends. I'm really proud of my friends and what they've accomplished so far. Some are grandparents, executives, incredible parents, teachers, entrepreneurs, counselors, board members, students, volunteers, artists... I may not get to see many of them but I'm happy for them all. Happy for Facebook connecting the dots after 20 years.
The family unit and I are getting back into gear after a cold windy winter/ serious TV & internet addiction/ spring break camping trip. We did stay busy all winter with the usual extracurricular stuff, but I've been in a deep rut for a long time and it's time to climb out. With Spring Break comes daylight savings time and warmer weather, and it's almost like a flipped switch... with so much sunlight I can finally see how disgusting the car's floor is and how much clutter has piled up in the house. The To-Do Necklace might just happen next week, after I'm done being Cookie Mom.
Happy Belated Birthday wishes to my family and friends. Happy Thanksgiving through Saint Patrick's Day, too. This year, all the people I graduated from high school with are turning 40! Balding, wrinkling, expanding, sagging and graying used to seem so impossible... Now they're just immaterial - nothing really matters but family, kids, and friends. I'm really proud of my friends and what they've accomplished so far. Some are grandparents, executives, incredible parents, teachers, entrepreneurs, counselors, board members, students, volunteers, artists... I may not get to see many of them but I'm happy for them all. Happy for Facebook connecting the dots after 20 years.
The family unit and I are getting back into gear after a cold windy winter/ serious TV & internet addiction/ spring break camping trip. We did stay busy all winter with the usual extracurricular stuff, but I've been in a deep rut for a long time and it's time to climb out. With Spring Break comes daylight savings time and warmer weather, and it's almost like a flipped switch... with so much sunlight I can finally see how disgusting the car's floor is and how much clutter has piled up in the house. The To-Do Necklace might just happen next week, after I'm done being Cookie Mom.
Monday, November 08, 2010
and October and November...
Well, it's been so long since I posted that I forgot what my blog looks like. Thanks Facebook.
Briefly: the girls had birthdays, we got a black lab from the shelter, Remy started hockey, I picked up the elementary-school-choir-accompanist gig, snow fell, and the 'mamavan' devolved into a sad, gimpy, downtrodden machine.
We've had a major shift in our sports agenda (other than the hockey thing) - Kira, by guest-playing a couple of scrimmages with her old soccer team, has decided that ballet sucks and she just wants to get back on the soccer field. I'm thrilled with her decision-making ability, and with her overall soccer ability, really. Also, the ballet bill goes down by about 50 bucks a month! She does have to suffer through two more weeks of ballet because November's paid for and I refuse to let her skip paid stuff.
I am rackin' up the Mom Titles: first, Soccer Mom; second, Stage Mom; and now, Hockey Mom. My mom's friend Jean Vezey told me recently, "Hockey isn't just a sport, it's a way of life." (I remember going on long drives in Fairbanks with her to drop Russ off at practices, in 1980something) There is just gear for every body part... practices sometimes three times a week (they're 4-year-olds!!)... and a whole new set of parents to meet. Remy totally loves it - and he stays upright now almost all practice. The best part of hockey is when Kevin gets to help the coaches out. Lots of Daddytime.
Cinder is our new dog. I brought her home on September 28th. She's 5 human-years old, black with gray on her chin, pretty well trained and really, really food-obsessed. Her first owner lived in Anchorage but somehow the dog ended up at the Palmer shelter. Her name was Kiera - she still perks up when we say Kira's name, but she's learned her new name well. It's nice to have a dog around again, especially for the girls. Remy just likes to push her around and yell at her, but I'm hoping that will change. It's clear how much he wants to take out his frustration on some being that won't push back - so we need to change what frustrates him so much, or give him a punching bag I guess!
There's been an increase in the number of times per week the kids ask me, "What kind of new car would you buy, Mama?". They engage in a lot of wishful thinking... Remy will say, out of the blue, "Mama let's go buy another car today and get rid of this stupid one." I wonder if they're embarrassed or something? During my Nome trip in August, the van finally whined its last whine and the power steering crapped out. So they're happy it's not whining anymore, but I think it stresses them out seeing me try to crank that steering wheel with every fiber of my being. It would be fixed if it weren't for The Schedule. On the bright side, snow and ice on the road make steering almost normal again.
I finally caved this week. I gave in to pressure from society to fight the aging process. I opened the Crest Whitestrips door prize I won in the spring... and I bought myself a little tube of wrinkle magic, Ultra-Lift. It's not a 39th-birthday, mid-life reflection thing, I just thought I'd try a little self-respect and see what happens. I may go off the deep end and buy something for age spots.
Now, back to knitting little things for Taia to sell in her 6th-grade economics project... Hopefully by my next post I'll have speed-knitted a dozen scarves, Ultra-Lifted many wrinkles and whitened my teeth by 5 shades.
Briefly: the girls had birthdays, we got a black lab from the shelter, Remy started hockey, I picked up the elementary-school-choir-accompanist gig, snow fell, and the 'mamavan' devolved into a sad, gimpy, downtrodden machine.
We've had a major shift in our sports agenda (other than the hockey thing) - Kira, by guest-playing a couple of scrimmages with her old soccer team, has decided that ballet sucks and she just wants to get back on the soccer field. I'm thrilled with her decision-making ability, and with her overall soccer ability, really. Also, the ballet bill goes down by about 50 bucks a month! She does have to suffer through two more weeks of ballet because November's paid for and I refuse to let her skip paid stuff.
I am rackin' up the Mom Titles: first, Soccer Mom; second, Stage Mom; and now, Hockey Mom. My mom's friend Jean Vezey told me recently, "Hockey isn't just a sport, it's a way of life." (I remember going on long drives in Fairbanks with her to drop Russ off at practices, in 1980something) There is just gear for every body part... practices sometimes three times a week (they're 4-year-olds!!)... and a whole new set of parents to meet. Remy totally loves it - and he stays upright now almost all practice. The best part of hockey is when Kevin gets to help the coaches out. Lots of Daddytime.
Cinder is our new dog. I brought her home on September 28th. She's 5 human-years old, black with gray on her chin, pretty well trained and really, really food-obsessed. Her first owner lived in Anchorage but somehow the dog ended up at the Palmer shelter. Her name was Kiera - she still perks up when we say Kira's name, but she's learned her new name well. It's nice to have a dog around again, especially for the girls. Remy just likes to push her around and yell at her, but I'm hoping that will change. It's clear how much he wants to take out his frustration on some being that won't push back - so we need to change what frustrates him so much, or give him a punching bag I guess!
There's been an increase in the number of times per week the kids ask me, "What kind of new car would you buy, Mama?". They engage in a lot of wishful thinking... Remy will say, out of the blue, "Mama let's go buy another car today and get rid of this stupid one." I wonder if they're embarrassed or something? During my Nome trip in August, the van finally whined its last whine and the power steering crapped out. So they're happy it's not whining anymore, but I think it stresses them out seeing me try to crank that steering wheel with every fiber of my being. It would be fixed if it weren't for The Schedule. On the bright side, snow and ice on the road make steering almost normal again.
I finally caved this week. I gave in to pressure from society to fight the aging process. I opened the Crest Whitestrips door prize I won in the spring... and I bought myself a little tube of wrinkle magic, Ultra-Lift. It's not a 39th-birthday, mid-life reflection thing, I just thought I'd try a little self-respect and see what happens. I may go off the deep end and buy something for age spots.
Now, back to knitting little things for Taia to sell in her 6th-grade economics project... Hopefully by my next post I'll have speed-knitted a dozen scarves, Ultra-Lifted many wrinkles and whitened my teeth by 5 shades.
Thursday, September 02, 2010
belated wishes
My mom's mom, Nuz Doyle ('Golovin Gramma') celebrated her 86th birthday last Friday! We love and miss you Gramma.
My dad's dad, Billy Hoogendorn ('Papa') turned 89 yesterday! Love you Papa!
To everyone else in my family I missed sending birthday wishes to, well, you know me... and of course I love you guys too :)
My dad's dad, Billy Hoogendorn ('Papa') turned 89 yesterday! Love you Papa!
To everyone else in my family I missed sending birthday wishes to, well, you know me... and of course I love you guys too :)
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